I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
