Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
