don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
