the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Drunk is a universal language darling
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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