i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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