Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
