wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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