is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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