life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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