you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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