Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it hurts more in the daytime
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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