Moan for me like Helen Keller
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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