he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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