dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
