i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
