So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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