...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
