Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
