People in love make me want to vomit
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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