When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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