he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
