Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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