I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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