**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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