On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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