I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
