seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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