I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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