I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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