I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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