I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
