remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
