I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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