I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
