i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
