This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize