Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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