Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
