Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
