I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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