he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I did not marry a roomba.
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