Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
