meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Banned from zoo.
Again?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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