You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
