Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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