What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
