Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
