I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
