please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
