Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I touched a dick in church today
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
