we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
