you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize