ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
well you can't waste a boner
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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