Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
