Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
