Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
