Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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