Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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