In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
