I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
