i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
