A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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