Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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