i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
