Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
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