i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
